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Resentment – My Journey

Earlier today, I was browsing Facebook and came across a friend’s link to Beyoncé performing her song Resentment. Now, I recently got the CD and I’ve listened to most of the songs, but I haven’t really listened to all the lyrics yet. So I listened to the song all the way through, and it really struck a nerve with me. Not just because I could feel Beyonce’s performance as she got deeper into the song, but because I could relate. I could relate to the thoughts and feelings along with the situation she described in the song. Being lied to is not an easy thing to overcome; and being betrayed by someone you love makes it even harder to do.

After watching the video, I went about my business and didn’t think much more about it. For some reason though, the word resentment was stuck in my head. I was thinking of how I understood what the song was saying about how hard it is to forget and move on from something, but I never thought that the reason was because I was holding on to resentment. Hmmm. I’m thinking that I had forgiven and, even though I haven’t been able to forget, forgiving was all I needed to do – for myself. I had done the hard part and forgiven those who hurt me, so why haven’t I been able to fully move past the hurt?! Could it be that I’ve been carrying resentment around with me?… I didn’t think or feel like I resented my Love. I just never thought about my feelings in that way. After listening to the song though, I realized that’s what’s been going on.

For those who don’t know, according to Merriam-Webster Resentment is: a feeling of indignant displeasure or persistent ill will at something regarded as a wrong, insult, or injury. Sound familiar anyone? It did to me. See forgiving is a good first step, but forgetting is hard. It’s even harder though when you’re full of “displeasure or ill will at something [or someone] that/who is wrong, insulting, or hurtful”. Make sense? So now I’m wondering does it mean you haven’t really forgiven someone if you feel resentment… Part of me is thinking “no” because you can forgive someone and still dislike what they’ve done to you. I think what’s unhealthy and damaging is when we carry those negative feelings around with us instead of letting them go. And letting go can be challenging – I know. It is possible though – I believe.

When I realized my truth about dealing with resentment I began to see how it has affected some of my other relationships. You see, many times we feel wronged by family, friends, co-workers, church members, etc. [all the above for me] and whether we address those people or not we tend to hold on to the hurt and pain – or “displeasure and ill will” – we feel towards them. As a result we shut down, avoid them, lash out, etc. In the end, we’re left with relationships more damaged than when the damage was done. I know – this is my truth. What about yours?

As I said earlier, letting go isn’t an easy task, but I do believe it’s so worth it in the end. The first step is realizing and admitting what’s going on. Sometimes when we think we’re on the right path to happiness, we wonder why we keep hitting roadblocks. Many people say roadblocks are lessons to make us stronger/wiser along the way – I agree. I say, the other few are stumbling blocks falling out of the load we’re carrying with us – so let go of your load.

~ Ciara L. Walker

“Holding a grudge & harboring anger/resentment is poison to the soul. Get even with people…but not those who have hurt us, forget them, instead get even with those who have helped us.” ― Steve Maraboli

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THANK YOU for the INSPIRATION

This has been an interesting school year. In my last post I was entering the last year of my Master’s program and beginning practicum/internship. I had no idea what was in store for me. Great things. Great people. Granted, there were a few hiccups along the way due to differences in communication, but when looking at the “big picture” I can truly say I had a successful year overall. My purpose was to help others and that’s what I did. I spent the last year working with a university program for students on academic probation and with the university’s counseling center. It was a little stressful and time-consuming at times [the admin part], but most of the time it was fun, interesting, uplifting, eye-opening, and INSPIRING!

I worked with students ranging from freshmen to 2nd-year seniors of all ages, races, majors, socio-economic statuses, etc. They were all different, but they all had one thing in common: In their own little way, they inspired me. You see, I was there to help them. Life had thrown them a curve ball and they were picking themselves up and dusting off while I was there to help them find their way to first base. In the process [on the way to first base], many of them shared the details of their struggle [the curve ball] and I was inspired by their strength and their determination. Now, if you were to ask them about this strength and determination that I speak of some would probably deny its existence. But, I saw what many of them were unable to see – what many others don’t take the time to see. I saw them from the inside out – and I was truly inspired.

Today, I just want to say Thank You – not only to my students, but also to the students around the world that they represent. So…

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My Journey Update

Sooo… It’s been a while since I’ve posted something and a lot has happened in the past five months. I made it through my first summer classes in grad school (whew!). I had a full load, and I worked two jobs so that was an adventure. In the end, I came out with all A’s [YAY Me , lol]. To celebrate, I took a vacation to visit a friend in Miami! This week, reality set back in when classes started Monday. I started my 2nd [and last] year of the program, so it’s bitter-sweet. I don’t have many classes, but I’ve started Practicum [for those who don’t know it’s when you’re required to work in your field of study to gain some experience – it’s like an internship, but requires less hours]. Being that my field of study is counseling, I’ll be working with people [other than my classmates] individually and in groups. I’ve already had a few meetings this week, and I sense it’s going to be an interesting, exciting, and challenging semester!

I think of it as I’m embarking on a new journey, and there are so many things that come to mind when I think about this journey that I’m on… the past, the present, and the future. As a beginning counselor, I think about things that I’ve said and done in the past and wonder how I could have handled situations differently. I think about where I am in my life now and how I can apply the things I’m learning to help myself [and others] through challenges that may occur. Then, I think about where I’ll be 5 years from now… a year from now, even. There’s so many aspects to consider [career, relationship/family, etc.] that it’s scary and exciting at the same time! I know these are all journeys that I will begin soon. As of now, I’m just taking things one day at a time.

Something that I try to remember along the way is that I can’t change the past. Yesterday is gone. Today is a new day – a new start – another chance to get things right/make things right/be a better ME [YOU]! And tomorrow is not promised, so I must live Today to the fullest!

I’ve been so busy lately, that I don’t always adhere to that last part, but I’m working on it! 😉 Interested in keeping up with my journey?! Subscribe! There’s more to come!

Thanks for reading.

~ Ciara L. Walker

Waiting to Exhale! part one.

And finally…I Exhaled!

One of my favorite movies!

It’s been a long time coming. For the last two years, I’ve been inhaling and inhaling – the disappointment, the hurt, the pain, the negative urges… Oh, the things I wanted to say and the things I wanted to do – but never acted on – well, except for those few times I allowed myself to stoop. Those were the times I exhaled a little. But those exhales weren’t filled with relief; they were filled with the hurt, pain, and anger that I wanted to release. And yet, I still  found myself hurting. And so goes my journey to truly exhale…

I was hurting on the inside from something that was done to me. Initially, I responded in a positive way, but somewhere along the [communication] lines things got negative. “What about my hurt and my pain,” I thought. “What about the things that were said and done to me”? “Did anyone think about my feelings”? “Did anyone care”? I believe that actions speak louder than words. First, the actions were foul – and now, so were the words. So, I retaliated [verbally].

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